Bite the Neighbors

drunk men tear down signs
Kony won’t be found tonight
check under the puke

Everything Is Incredible

I know Louis C.K. basically covered all of it in his famous “Everything’s Wonderful and Nobody’s Happy” bit from a while back, but I think I want to outline how unbelievable the modern world is as it relates to my life.

Today, I used the internet to check some train schedules from my bedroom computer, which was not even hooked up to any cables (power, internet, or otherwise). I then took these trains to a location 20+ miles away to visit a friend, arriving in fewer than 1.5 hours. I did not have to pay attention to anything other than when to get on or off these trains, yet I arrived safely, warm, and having read a book. As soon as I got off the train, I was able to talk to my friend on the telephone using no cables or wires. I stood in the middle of a park, surrounded by trees, and was able to speak with my friend in his home some distance away.

Earlier this week, I spoke to my dad using Skype. I was able to see him, see the family cat, see the kitchen I grew up in, and converse with my father despite being hundreds of miles from him.

The other day, I decided to order an mp3 player/smart device. I placed this order from my computer (no cables), paid for it from my room as well, and two days later it arrived in a box without my ever having to interact or speak to a person. Think about that. I did not speak to a single person, but I still managed to receive something I desired in only two days. I don’t even really know where it came from; it just arrived at my doorstep.

The device is currently charging, but when it is finished, it will be able to operate without any cables. What can it do? It can tell me exactly where I am on this planet at any time I want and how to get to anywhere else on the planet. It can access the internet in any location where WiFi is available. This means that I can take this tiny device that weighs less than 5 ounces and access any information I desire without connecting it to anything at all. I can make purchases from anywhere, and the items I purchase will arrive at my doorstep quickly. I can watch a movie on this device. I can listen to music on this device. I can store 40 gigabytes of data on this device, with most of it stored on a MicroSDHC card that is literally the size of the nail on my pinky. What this means is that I can listen to nearly 10,000 different songs at any moment, because these 10,000 songs, representing hundreds of thousands of hours of human labor, are able to be stored on something that is the smaller than the tip of my pinky finger. This does not include any of the hundreds of thousands of songs I could listen to via the internet.

For my job, I spend most of my time communicating with a number of people in the Philippines who I have never met and will probably never meet in person. I can converse with them instantly, though they are thousands of miles from me. I can send them photos or files, direct them to do certain tasks, and listen to their comments. All of this is done from my home or anywhere else I would like to go, thanks to a laptop computer. I communicate with my bosses remotely, having only met a few of them in person. I am paid remotely, receiving money in my bank account without ever having to deposit a check or see a person. This money is then immediately accessible to purchase any number of things, or I can visit a machine less than a block from my residence to withdraw physical cash.

I am currently listening to a dance mix a friend of mine who lives in another state created on his computer. Through technology, I am able to both access and listen to this creation from my computer, again not using any cables.

Basically, what I’m saying is that the modern world caters to my every need. I haven’t even delved into how music technology has made it possible for me to create any sound I can imagine, or to create something in my room and have it be listened to immediately from anywhere on the planet. Even these words I write will soon be accessible from all over the world.

I honestly couldn’t ask for more in my life. I have good friends, good work to do, music to make and enjoy, technology that makes anything I want possible, a beautiful city in which to live, and all my basic needs are met. This is not meant to be a gloat or to lord my good fortune over those who are struggling. I simply wish to express gratitude to everyone who has made my life as it currently exists a reality. This means my family, my friends, my teachers, my employers, government leaders, private innovators, millions of workers for all sorts of companies, financial institutions, my schools, medical professionals, and almost everyone else (both past and present) who has ever done anything in this world. Thank you, everyone. You have made me incredibly happy.

Anonymous asked: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to solve the mystery of the purple squirrel. Whence the pigmentation?

Simply put, it’s my fault. I was practicing my dye chemistry in preparation for the upcoming Easter season. You know, making sure the dye is diluted with the right amount of vinegar and all that. Anyway, while walking around with one of my test eggs (I use a styrofoam base with a axihydrol polymer coating to simulate the porosity of an egg shell) in order to air-dry the dye job I had just performed, I was snacking on a handful of honey roasted peanuts. It being a windy day outside, I brought the egg simulation outdoors in order to take advantage of the wind speed as a quick drying mechanism. Apparently I left a trail of peanuts behind me, because the moment I sat back down at my dye experimentation table, this blur of a squirrel came leaping onto my lap and immediately onto the table. With nary a word or a squrreech, the squirrel leapt directly into a particularly strong batch of purple dye. Unfortunately for the creature, its coat was transformed immediately.

Realizing that I could not in good faith allow this squirrel to reside in my city, I immediately drove it to Pennsylvania, where I assumed any observation of its strange coloration would be dismissed as the mad ravings of an Eagles fan. Clearly, I misjudged the people of that state, and they noticed and trapped the purple squirrel. The story quickly took a turn toward the famous, and that is where we stand now: one purple squirrel and one embarrassed color scientist.

I assume that had I turned the squirrel green, either no one would have batted an eye, or the squirrel would have become the new Eagles mascot.

Sally Bretton and Tom Brady: Separated at Birth?

I was rewatching some episodes of British version of The Office this week, and seeing Donna so soon after watching the Super Bowl had just the right mix of faces floating around in my head that the following pair of lookalikes struck me immediately. If you don’t see the similarities, you perhaps are not the sort of person who focuses on the eyes when looking at someone.

For added clarity, consider the following photos, both taken some years ago: (Sally Bretton from her role in The Office and Brady from whenever it was he had the short ponytail look):

Weird, innit?